this week has been so strange, confusing, and frustrating.. i feel like i have walked through my past, my present, and my future...
I guess it started with the antidote that I had to write for my consular.. he asked me to write about what makes me, me.. I put the assignment off for almost a week.. I couldn't get myself to do it. I wasn't sure what I would write about myself and I knew that whatever it would be would reveal something about me that would bug me for the rest of the week..
I did write something and it is bugging me... you see when I write, I free associate.. I let it all go.. if you ever read the Random stuff I write you might feel lost in a strange unrestrained mind. I can start writing a recipe and end up writing a poem about the summer..
Anyways, i was so tempted to ask a friend for some ideas but i knew that what she would say would be a twisted perception.[I mean this in the sense that we see ourselves different than other see us]... [I wanted to know how I really see me] I wanted to write from my perspective not from an other's perspective... So on Monday I finally sat down and wrote it.. this after a lot of pacing and trying to find anything that seemed more important to do.. when i ran out of excuses I finally sat and wrote...
my blog tittled antidote was the last paragraph to my antidote.. somehow i came to the conclusion that i have no past... This bugged me ALL WEEK.. I wanted to know why I feel this way and if it was true.. after long silent thoughtful moments i finally figured it out [but it still bugs me because I know that this has played a big role in shaping my life since I was 15]
When I said I had no past.... i meant this in the sense that I don't consider my past my past. I carry it with me where ever I go. I don't remember yesterdays because to me the memories are still alive. My memories are so vivid that I associate them with everything I do today.. my relationships are the most affected by this..
Here is the twist, my memories are so vivid that i can NOT remember them.. how is that possible? because to me my memories are as alive to me as this second is being experienced. They live with me in every second that I try to live without the result of them.. So many of the thing I do and the ways that I react and value things are because of my past, the same past that i just cant seem to remember.
The mind is an amazing thing.. I watched a documentary on how some people, with Multiple Personality disorder, may have a personality that can speak a foreign language without ever being taught it.. and the other personalities don't know how to speak it.. I bring this up because I want to point out the power of the mind, and how hard it can be to bring to light something out of the mind, when it refuses to show it's self..
The mind is like a catalog system.. everything has it's place. The amygdala's primary role is to process and remember events and the emotional reaction. If the emotion is too strong than the memory can be emotionally hi-jacked. This means that the memory disappears [hides, is locked away, ect..] but the trigger and the emotional reaction is still there and active, yet the fact of the matter is that the core event is unknown.. The memory is still there but refuses to come to light. So there is no way to address the core issue without knowing the core of the issue..
The Mind is a Beautiful Thing... Don't waste it..!
so my week has been a mess.. i spent a lot of time planning my future, but an equal amount of time questioning my past and my present.
