Pay to be Born, Pay to Live, Pay to Die

The business of being born and the business of dying.....

Interesting how the most natural part of life has been taken over by capitalism. 

If you haven't watched the documentary "Pregnant in America" I highly suggest you do. 

A basic summary of this gripping documentary is the idea that hospitals and insurance companies make money off of babies being born, while demolishing the quality of health care and respect for life. Forget being mad about having to pay so much on gas and how much oil companies are making off your need to travel in essence for your survival; your birth someone made money off of... In this case invasive medical procedures at your expense are super imposed on us/we/you/me when in some cases life altering moments in life...... More and more hospitals and insurance companies are no longer in the business of your health...

On the other end..... geriatrics... saddest story I've ever been a part of.... People pay so much to be born, so much to live.................................... and a whole lot more to die...... And the people that spend the most time with these people who are about to pass..... ARE UNDERPAID, OVERWORKED, AND UNAPPRECIATED..... Not by the families.. because they understand (generalization) but the companies that hire them to do this stressful, beautiful, painful, satisfying, heart wrenching job..... No its by the companies that pay them to do this job. Wall ST Journal named home care workers the number one sleep deprived line of work.. why? because we are family to the people we take care of... we Love with them, laugh with them, cry with them. We are the person that understands them; because its what we know how to do best, we spend the most time with them in their last moments, we hold their hand when no one else can be there to do it... we figure out what makes them laugh and smile when they feel like they have nothing else to live for... We are why they get up in the morning... we love our clients respectfully as much as we would our own parents. We reach milestones with them.... like 96th birthdays, and first great grand babies being born. We are there when we see the final moments of life, those last desperate days to say the things you always wanted to say but didn't have the strength and courage to Love or Forgive. We witness life, encourage life, help live life, help give life....

Greedy driven, shallow, empty, people inspired by a dream of a shiny new car.... kill it.
If I'm under paid the company should be too.... see the sicker you get the more they will charge you.... So you better be a healthy horse till the day you die.... or you won't be able to afford your final years.

4 years

I saw my oldest brother for the first time in 4 years; at my second oldest brother's wedding.Wow the things a person can miss when prison is on the agenda. From here to there. I measure time with knowledge like its growth.... well because it is.

Lesson to ponder this week; Being thankful for the ugly stuff makes life ten times more beautiful especially when you turn your ugly situation into someones saving grace.

This is part of my story and the way I turned being a domestic violence victim into a story of saving grace (my own or hers.... I don't know.)

Risen from pain and given strenght threw the purification of sorrow and reflection.What was pain then is TransFormed into a "Gift" now.

He seized me by my neck; lifted me off the ground. I was a ghost to the witnesses who were supposed to be my friends. I felt the breath of life escape me. From that day I knew no love for him. My heart hardened by people who know not love, but love of power and possession.

I built myself a castle of rocks and ice; care for nothing, laugh at everyones desires. I began to Possess myself closer than life, love, or relations. I watched my life transform from a colored canvas of bright colors just waiting to be altered and manipulated into a masterpiece; into a lifeless shades of numbingly cold greys.

My life was now a bookshelf of monotone categories and sensible logic. Heart had no place in my own life.

Awakening. It happened on a cold day in September; as all life changing things seem to.

This was that kind of cold that burns your bones. I witnessed a ghost. There in front of me, she struggled with her possessor. I saw her chains clear as day. With fear on my finger tips, like a thief in the night I slipped her the key. I fought myself the whole way through.

Exhausted from the revelation. I drove home in contemplation.

My tears tour my wounds open, there inside I analyzed my pain.

"Why" was all that echoed in my mind. " Why had no one stood up for me?"

"Why my witnesses watched me not breath?"

I just didn't understand as I tried to catch every tear and grasp all the buried emotions.

"Why did I go so far that to protect myself. I had to not be, not love, not see."

So I danced, in anger; I danced. My heart cried in that healing pain.

Who am I that I became such a stone? Burnt and cold. Shattered and spread all over the floor for the whole world to see.

Lord have mercy- and the pain in my mother's eyes when she saw what remained of me.

I helped myself build a monument honoring non-movement; the consequence of careless indifference. My healing pain helped me recognize that the world I'm in reflects me. I lived in this idea that I needed to preserve myself from love. To reserve myself only for air.

My purpose was to not care.I found the words but the path is trampled by ideas and Lies, stories, and stereotypes.

"Finding your heart is hard when hard is what you are."

Melt me I begged as I walked down the street. Show me love I asked specifically to a super hero prince in tinfoil and sheets.To only have him build me a castle of bricks and lock me in with a lie and a kiss. Life is a gift. How I survived?Love broke down the walls.Real Love, True, Healing, Patient, Honest Love saved me.

And every time Love starts with you.

Its beautiful the things that can come out of ugly places especially when Love pushes it's way in.

Emotionally Hi-jacked

this week has been so strange, confusing, and frustrating.. i feel like i have walked through my past, my present, and my future...
I guess it started with the antidote that I had to write for my consular.. he asked me to write about what makes me, me.. I put the assignment off for almost a week.. I couldn't get myself to do it. I wasn't sure what I would write about myself and I knew that whatever it would be would reveal something about me that would bug me for the rest of the week..
I did write something and it is bugging me... you see when I write, I free associate.. I let it all go.. if you ever read the Random stuff I write you might feel lost in a strange unrestrained mind. I can start writing a recipe and end up writing a poem about the summer..
Anyways, i was so tempted to ask a friend for some ideas but i knew that what she would say would be a twisted perception.[I mean this in the sense that we see ourselves different than other see us]... [I wanted to know how I really see me] I wanted to write from my perspective not from an other's perspective... So on Monday I finally sat down and wrote it.. this after a lot of pacing and trying to find anything that seemed more important to do.. when i ran out of excuses I finally sat and wrote...
my blog tittled antidote was the last paragraph to my antidote.. somehow i came to the conclusion that i have no past... This bugged me ALL WEEK.. I wanted to know why I feel this way and if it was true.. after long silent thoughtful moments i finally figured it out [but it still bugs me because I know that this has played a big role in shaping my life since I was 15]
When I said I had no past.... i meant this in the sense that I don't consider my past my past. I carry it with me where ever I go. I don't remember yesterdays because to me the memories are still alive. My memories are so vivid that I associate them with everything I do today.. my relationships are the most affected by this..
Here is the twist, my memories are so vivid that i can NOT remember them.. how is that possible? because to me my memories are as alive to me as this second is being experienced. They live with me in every second that I try to live without the result of them.. So many of the thing I do and the ways that I react and value things are because of my past, the same past that i just cant seem to remember.
The mind is an amazing thing.. I watched a documentary on how some people, with Multiple Personality disorder, may have a personality that can speak a foreign language without ever being taught it.. and the other personalities don't know how to speak it.. I bring this up because I want to point out the power of the mind, and how hard it can be to bring to light something out of the mind, when it refuses to show it's self..
The mind is like a catalog system.. everything has it's place. The amygdala's primary role is to process and remember events and the emotional reaction. If the emotion is too strong than the memory can be emotionally hi-jacked. This means that the memory disappears [hides, is locked away, ect..] but the trigger and the emotional reaction is still there and active, yet the fact of the matter is that the core event is unknown.. The memory is still there but refuses to come to light. So there is no way to address the core issue without knowing the core of the issue..

The Mind is a Beautiful Thing... Don't waste it..!


so my week has been a mess.. i spent a lot of time planning my future, but an equal amount of time questioning my past and my present.