I saw my oldest brother for the first time in 4 years; at my second oldest brother's wedding.Wow the things a person can miss when prison is on the agenda. From here to there. I measure time with knowledge like its growth.... well because it is.
Lesson to ponder this week; Being thankful for the ugly stuff makes life ten times more beautiful especially when you turn your ugly situation into someones saving grace.
This is part of my story and the way I turned being a domestic violence victim into a story of saving grace (my own or hers.... I don't know.)
Risen from pain and given strenght threw the purification of sorrow and reflection.What was pain then is TransFormed into a "Gift" now.
He seized me by my neck; lifted me off the ground. I was a ghost to the witnesses who were supposed to be my friends. I felt the breath of life escape me. From that day I knew no love for him. My heart hardened by people who know not love, but love of power and possession.
I built myself a castle of rocks and ice; care for nothing, laugh at everyones desires. I began to Possess myself closer than life, love, or relations. I watched my life transform from a colored canvas of bright colors just waiting to be altered and manipulated into a masterpiece; into a lifeless shades of numbingly cold greys.
My life was now a bookshelf of monotone categories and sensible logic. Heart had no place in my own life.
Awakening. It happened on a cold day in September; as all life changing things seem to.
This was that kind of cold that burns your bones. I witnessed a ghost. There in front of me, she struggled with her possessor. I saw her chains clear as day. With fear on my finger tips, like a thief in the night I slipped her the key. I fought myself the whole way through.
Exhausted from the revelation. I drove home in contemplation.
My tears tour my wounds open, there inside I analyzed my pain.
"Why" was all that echoed in my mind. " Why had no one stood up for me?"
"Why my witnesses watched me not breath?"
I just didn't understand as I tried to catch every tear and grasp all the buried emotions.
"Why did I go so far that to protect myself. I had to not be, not love, not see."
So I danced, in anger; I danced. My heart cried in that healing pain.
Who am I that I became such a stone? Burnt and cold. Shattered and spread all over the floor for the whole world to see.
Lord have mercy- and the pain in my mother's eyes when she saw what remained of me.
I helped myself build a monument honoring non-movement; the consequence of careless indifference. My healing pain helped me recognize that the world I'm in reflects me. I lived in this idea that I needed to preserve myself from love. To reserve myself only for air.
My purpose was to not care.I found the words but the path is trampled by ideas and Lies, stories, and stereotypes.
"Finding your heart is hard when hard is what you are."
Melt me I begged as I walked down the street. Show me love I asked specifically to a super hero prince in tinfoil and sheets.To only have him build me a castle of bricks and lock me in with a lie and a kiss. Life is a gift. How I survived?Love broke down the walls.Real Love, True, Healing, Patient, Honest Love saved me.
And every time Love starts with you.
Its beautiful the things that can come out of ugly places especially when Love pushes it's way in.
